Someone was killed today for “war crimes” that were committed “against humanity”.

When will someone else have to pay for these? Hell, how about this?

What happened today was wrong. Everyone knows it deep inside, whether we want to admit it or not. The past cannot be undone, but the future can be changed. That feeling that you feel, that unplaceable, unnameable feeling - that is the recognition of the gravest injustice. Think about it.

Remember this day, and remember this feeling. And know that the entire world has been hoodwinked, dragged by our noses into supporting the most unjust, senseless span of violence that humanity has ever indulged in - a span of violence that culminated in a sad circus show of an ending.

Weep at the injustice, and look in horror at the crimson on our hands.

caffeine. damn you. coffee at eight pm has kept be up for the last eight hours, initially tremendously productive and working at my notes at breathtaking speed, then wearing me out faster than i would have liked.

and now ive got barely three more hours til daylight.

and im still in this state, frightfully awake even though thanks to my light workout just now while watching the lakers - rockets game my muscles are slightly aching.

even alcohol - i had some whisky n coke just now, sadly, the last of my dads whisky - cant undo this effect. potency of caffeine has perhaps been augmented by long absence of drinking any coffee at all, not counting diluted messed up things that pass off for coffee in city. what i wouldnt give for a kopi-peng right now, though, my current temporary insomnia notwithstanding.

so i lie here in my bed, my only companion that little voice in my head, my only form of expression these letters and words that are borne onto the keyboard right as i think them.

…

i would like to think right now, since im in the mood for it, about the times ive been hurt badly in my life. about the emotional setbacks. why? perhaps because only by looking down at the valley below you do you appreciate the fact that you stand now on higher ground. but maybe i just want to. and i cant sleep anyway.

i believe that i am the cause for a lot of the times i am hurt by people. or at least part of the cause. because i believe too much in people, perhaps. perhaps because i believe in the goodness that lies inside my fellow man’s heart.

more than once this has taught people to take me for granted. and as much as i was angry at these people at the time, i was as much as fault as they were for my tears, because of my own stupidity and foolishness - my naivete if you may.

for two years now i have known that lesson - but maybe it is only recently that i have come to terms with the true meaning of it. you dont have to hide away from yourself to hide yourself from people, to protect that raw inner core that has been shredded too many times by people who couldnt care less, or didnt know better.

the first year which i blogged properly - 2005 - my posts were filled with anger and pain. i believe that my wounds are healed now, and while i do feel a tinge of regret at how things have turned out, i dont have time for that anymore.

i have… changed a lot in recent times. i think more about the future, and how i must prepare myself for it. i dont know. i think im perhaps less shallow than the man i tried to be two years ago… i cant be that man, no matter how i try.

good night. i dont think i can sleep, but ill try. out of desperation.

musings.

ive not been able to sleep well lately, i dont know why too.

perhaps its the exam stress, though i am not really behind very much on my work. perhaps fact that i havent left the house since saturday, or rather havent really spent much time out of my room even, studying all the while for the last few days.

i know its not healthy. yes.

i suppose i have been bothered by a lot of things lately, things one might say i dont have business getting involved in. those things are hopefully settled now, or rather, ive stopped caring about. so thats all good.

i remember the early days of this blog when i was back in singapore where i would do what i am doing now, type into this and pour out my mind into this, with honesty and without pretense, in the wee small hours of the morning.

back then, many a night was spent awake, with just me and my ps2, and the cold, dark silence outside, with everyone asleep except me. and my winning eleven team or my dynasty warrior character of course.

…

that aside, ive taken a course this term on organizational behaviour, and this has honestly been the best, most educational course i have ever had in my entire life. yes, the professor is barely 30 and he really makes an already interesting subject ever more interesting with all these in-class exercises and stuff.

ive learned a lot from these in class exercises - the negotiation one, an integrated group-negotiation exercise, a group decision making exercise… and the like. ive come to understand a lot better how people think, and finally know the basics of how to apply what i learned in psy100 into real life. much fun.

…

reflecting upon this however i realize some things about myself and my behaviour that perhaps i had not thought of before. i was doing notes for my exam today on leadership, a subject that has fascinated me very much. i realize that i am not truly inept at being a leader. i may have not been ‘good enough’ for ocs - twice - but that just means that perhaps a military style leadership position does not suit me… or does it?

i know im rambling btw but what can i do, and what can you, for that matter?

…

No, I do not pretend to be noble, but I try and stand up for what is right.

Unfortunately, when that goes unappreciated, and a hand that was stretched to help gets bitten instead, then I see no reason to care anymore.

So go ahead and live the lie that you’ve created. That should help you sleep more soundly.

I’ll play along with your game, help you live your lie. Because everyone knows what the truth is, and so do you. Yet you choose the easy path of weakness, and in your attempts to fool the world, at some point you have fooled yourself.

I am saddened by this, but I have little tears to waste on the undeserving. So go ahead. I tried. It’s your life.

…

Regarding the first half of this post, as well as my lengthy previous one, I guess it is best that I clarify issues.

I saw a friend drowning and tried to help her from her own denial, and for her safety. It is unfortunate, but sometimes people would rather drown than admit that they are, instead choosing to keep up appearances - and live a lie that everyone knows is fact. When that happens, I guess I have no right or power to help, and frankly, at this point, I don’t bother.

Because in some ways, I have wronged someone in my previous post. I thought you were messed up, that you had serious issues. I thought you were the problem. But you aren’t all the problem. I’m sorry. You’re half of it.

You both are so messed up, and I’m just plain disgusted at the farce that you’re putting up to one another, and to the outside world.

So go, go and dance your little sadomasochistic waltz of mutual destruction. One day you’ll remember that I tried, and that you pushed me away, and that you’d rather have make-believe friends than real ones.

I will waste no more frustration, worry, anguish or blog-words on you. You people sicken me. I wash my hands off you.