Dear Joeloholics,

It has come to my attention that certain *cough cough* individuals, who will remain unnamed by moi, have come to the conclusion that Mr. Joel has become soft and “mushy” as of late.

These *ahem* individuals have pointed to a number of instances to back their misguided opinions. For one, they feel that my posts here over the last two or so weeks have been “mushy”, “soo sweeet” and, in one particular case, “gag-inducing”.

Others - a certain dood who holds the title of Singapore’s Brainiest NSman in particular - have taken beef with some of my… recent MSN display pics. Some have even expressed their misgivings at my MSN nicknames, saying that my display nicks (eg. “j o e l”) in recent times have been suspiciously plain, lacking the usual buaypaiseiness (read: signature oomph) that is expected of Mr. Joel, such as “His Joeliness”, “Joelius Caesar”, “joel joel joel joel”, “J O E L O H O L I C S . A N O N Y M O U S”, “(so) j o e l i n h o (so)” etc.

Therefore, lest all you Joeloholics and Joelophobes forget… here’s a little reminder of the awesome physical specimen that is Mr Joel; a quick sneak peek at the fearsome Sultan of Garang himself at the uncanny peak of his mind-blowing physical prowess - the very picture of testicular fortitude.

Muahahahaha. Arrr… quiver in my wake, ‘ye mangy land-lubberin’ mongrels! You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things! Behold the awesomeness before you that is Mr. Joel himself!! ph34r me, j00 h4×0rz!!!!

PS. For best results, kindly - I say again, kindly - ignore ridiculously high pitched voices; weird result of converting file formats.

I hope we have reached a better understanding after this uh, presentation.

Amen to that.

Fashionably yours,
Mr. Joel

I’ve made my share of mistakes in the last twenty years.

A lot of them, actually. Over the past two or so years alone, I probably made more huge mistakes than I had in the eighteen years before, collectively, including what Gabriel calls “the biggest mistake of my life”.

I’ve said things to people I… never meant to say. I’ve made a number of “bad investments” at frightening opportunity cost, and its only a testament to how good my friends are that they stuck with me so long. I’ve knowingly gotten myself into a number of painful social situations, just for the heck of it… and paid the price.

Finally, however, for once, over the last three weeks, I think I’m doing something that… just feels right. Time will, of course, tell… and I hope that in time I look back on this post with a smile instead of tears - but haha let’s not think so far, shall we, Joel?

For the moment, things feel right. Perfect. Like they’ve not been… ever. And I can’t help but smile at the thought.

…

All right, all right… reading week is nearly over, and I’ve not been as productive as I thought I’d be, but it wasn’t a COMPLETE waste. I’ve at least done more than the minimum I set out to do, (presentation prep + bitchloads! of maths) so there isn’t a schoolwork/readings deficit at least when I step into class on Monday.

On Friday night had Ethiopian food which consisted of “injera” (an-jera) - which to me resembled a cold plain thosai - and “tibs” which is this very flavourful beef uh, dish. Ahh… my masala thosai… I want masala thosai…

Also, went up to Panorama - this snazzy bar on the 51st storey of a building here - which overlooks the entire city. You know a place is going to be “straight gangsta” when the ground floor entrance is a tiny corridor with a lone elevator which only has two buttons - “ground” and “51″…

Place had an amazing view, truly. Great jazzy music, ambience… Joel had very good beer and, before I forget, exceptionally charming company. Would be even more awesome if sky wasn’t full of snow-laden clouds (which would later unleash their icy contents on me while I was driving home, causing me to skid more than once, my imaginary Jay Chou-esque drifting prowess notwithstanding) blocking out the stars and obscuring the horizon.

…

One more day of reading week till school starts - I’m gonna make good use of it, then kick back at night and get some heavy duty nua-ing (rest) done before the final few months of freshman year.

I was way too tired on Tuesday night to follow up on that last post, which I had intended to do after working out while watching Jon Stewart. Fell asleep 5 minutes into Jon Stewart and got up an hour later too groggy to work out / write anything, so that’s that.

Caught Munich on Tuesday at Varsity VIP cinema, which apparently is called “VIP” for a reason: each theatre can probably sit barely 20 people… and the seats are nice and cushy and have side tables - at a price, of course.

Oh well - it was worth it, anyway - and Munich was a good movie; a movie which got me thinking about some bastardy things I’ve done over the past year or two - some for survival, and some just for the heck of it (haha) - and how karma seems to inevitably catch up with you, in one way or another…

Haha. And on Tuesday, in other uh, semi-related Joel-news, during attempt to eat slice of wonderfully light & creamy, harmless-looking Korean peach-cake, was shocked to realize that Korean cake had mind of its own and got bitten back by Korean cake.

Argh. I’m getting dizzy from a day spent doing really droll graphical analysis and throwing spinning crosses at zombies, skeletons and other forms of the undead (playing Castlevania), plus waking up really late cuz I slept really late cuz I was working out past midnight.

So yes. My head is spinning… its barely evening and the sun is setting on a cloudy, snowy/rainy dull Thursday. Still have to get quite a lot of work done if want to go out tomorrow and not be feeling guilty, so… I’m gonna rest a bit and then get to it.

PS. Check out new glasses! I picked the least weird pair, but upon further reflection - and some preening in the bathroom - realized that I do look kinda nerdy. Have gotten mixed reviews so far from various people. Hopefully do not look too nerdy for own good.

just got home and realized that tomorrow will go and collect spectacles from optician. pictures, tomorrow.

hopefully, do not look like too much of a nerd with glasses. possibly even, will exude nerdy charm like specky guy in love hina anime with five (!!!) kawaii female teenybopper housemates madly in love (if you can call it that) with him.

more later. which should be sooner than think.

First of all, to everyone who expressed concern over the last day or two, to everyone who read that last post and went “omg joel are you okay?”, or even “har har joel who broke your heart arr?” to me over MSN today and yesterday, I wholly appreciate your concern.

Thanks, peoples.

And to the person who stuck with me through all that distasteful unpleasantness and prodded me on despite legendary Taurus + Year of Ox obstinacy: huge, huge thanks. Am v. moved. 99999999 Joelpoints worth of Karma accumulated!

The truth of the matter is… on that long, winding paved road that is life, bad things are always gonna happen, and you gotta deal with them no matter how down you feel. I’ve dealt with my problem; I’ve taken a few steps forward - but not without first jettisoning a number of things I once held dear.

So yes, I am, for what it’s worth, back on track.

I’m hurt

I’m really, really hurt deep

As a person, as a man, as a human being, there are times when you deal with situations, with problems… by setting them aside temporarily and by standing your ground, by becoming stronger than you were before, hardening your shell and your resolve in the process.

There are also times where you just can’t shove the pain and the emotions aside, if even for a moment.

Now is such a time for me.

And while the coldly logical, level-headed half of me knows exactly what I have to do to… get on with life and the people I have to deal with in my life,

the other half of me, this weak, emotional half, grieves at the loss of something sacred and holy; cries out and tears madly away at his hair at the pain; endlessly drives its ruined, bloody fists at the shattered, ruined mirror which is all that is left of a forgotten innocence, again and again, not feeling the shards of gory glass burying themselves deeper in his flesh with every raw, numbing blow.

There are some things you can forgive and forget… live and let live. let go

and then there are some things which, when someone that close to you turns against you and says things that should never be said to someone else… you can forgive and you can try to bury it away but you can’t forget because when your very own blood treats you in that way, whatever the intent, the scars run so deep and you know from the moment you are cut that it will take more than a lifetime to heal, that it will hurt for a very long time indeed, and maybe the only way for it to stop hurting is to stop feeling altogether but is that what you really want is it really

. . .

There is a place of solace, a place that is not really a place… where I would like, more than anything, to run to right now.

But I am afraid I will poison its waters with the taint of my being; and so I turn my back and run away to the only place left to run to, to the only citadel where even in its decaying, waterlogged, worm-eaten state of ruin I know I can seek refuge. I run deeper and darker within myself.

Oh fuck it. Damn it all to hell.

Aha. A week’s holiday from tests and school and everything, which is good and bad at the same time, I guess.

I think right off the bat I’m gonna have to plan how I’ll spend this week (no thanks to Jing who, as I write this, just asked me what my reading week plans were, leaving me answer-less),or I’ll be dead bored of bumming around by midweek, and horribly stacked with rushing readings and that big paper on Sunday night. So here goes.

In the next week, Joel will consistently:

• Study for math (mat133) test which is in a fortnight; catch up with readings and notes for rest of subjects.
• Go nuts reading my Nietzsche everyday in preparation for my term paper and presentation next (next) Thursday; hopefully by Sunday will not be drunkenly dancing around butt-nekkid in my room thinking I am Dionysus
• Get my glasses made, goddammit, half a term of not being able to read subway signs properly…
• Kill lots of monsters, gains bitchloads of experience, gain tons of levels, and loot lots of items!
• Settle stupid draggy PR card application so can leave country to, armed only with a silenced socom pistol and army knife, infiltrate heavily guarded terrorist installations, fight with katana-wielding robot ninjas, sneak around in cardboard boxes, and blow up huge mechwarrior-looking weapons of mass destruction, all in the name of world peace and looking cool!!!
• Settle other miscellaneous “admin” stuff.
• Work out loads everyday though prob won’t be doing much cardio but what the heck. Have to be at tip-top form mind, body and soul when term starts. One with nature. One with the slushy snow. One with the freezing rain and the slippery deathtrap that is Queen’s Park? Gah nevermind.
• Get out and have some fun. Not before putting in the work though. Yee-uh.
• Finish reading my Motorcycle Diaries which stopped reading midway through term thanks to @#%& Nietzsche and PSY test
• Catch up on sleep. Lots of it.

I’ll add onto the list if I think of something else… Otherwise, I think if I can try and hang with these, I should be in pretty good shape when school starts.

Now, though, the holz have just begun and I’m itching to start kicking some zombie ass.

I’ve been pretty down the last two days or so, if you could tell. Yesterday in particular, though. After my econs class I sat down in the Earth Sciences library - which is really well lit, quiet and surprisingly conducive for studying - and muscled my way through three straight MGT120H past year papers in four hours.

Which, while very beneficial to my cause - I woulda failed the test if not for those papers - really, really taxed me. I did a total of four mock papers and one real one in a day… and was so happy when my balance sheet was, well, balanced, so even if I messed up something, the final answer woulda looked good and confident.

Since then though, have been in a really spent state. Woke up today so tired, spent last night rushing a short essay due today, driving was bad this morning (nothing compared to the horrible freezing rain storm that’s wracking the region right and causing crazy blackouts / floods / accidents etc. now however).

Had pretty decent workout today (considering fatigue level) to let off angst and restlessness - and realized that have lost a biiit more weight, despite relatively unhealthy diet of coffee and chocolate over past week or so - which woulda easily have been the highlight of my day.

Except that something - or rather, someone else - happened. Someone… made me laugh really hard just now.

Now, I’ve forgotten who it was who said this about me a coupla weeks back, but a friend of mine told me that I never laugh, that I don’t ever laugh as much as… snicker. Scoff. Or chuckle cynically. An observation I can’t really disagree with, sadly.

But yes, today someone made me laugh - uncontrollably, genuinely, without being afraid of looking like an idiot - and brightened up an otherwise cold, miserable Thursday, more so than words can describe.

Sigh… I’m too tired to talk about anything else substantial.

Till next time, then, Joeloholics.